The attic where I was born and brought up
I was born in an attic in Ditchwater Street, Dudbury. My parents were retired teddy bears. We had to share the attic with other retired toys: the Wise Old Clown, Wilbur the Rocking Horse, the singing Dolly Sisters and a set of soldiers.
I was educated at Dudbury Acatedemy School. You may not know that teddy bears have to go to school like everyone else, and we have to pass exams before we are allowed to work. Apart from regular lessons we have to learn a special form of unarmed combat called tedkwando, in case monsters get into the bedroom at night when parents are far away.
My best friend at school was called Florrie. She planned to work as a hospital bear, helping sick children.
I graduated from school and almost immediately went to work as a teddy bear for a boy called Luke. He took me away to his home in Grey Street, Dudbury. It was not a bad life being a teddy bear, although there was nothing to do except play computer games. But when I went back to visit my parents, my father gave me a real shock. He burst into tears and said I had thrown my whole life away. I'll never forget what he said:
"It's a dog's life being a teddy bear. And for every bear that gets rich and famous like Winnie the Pooh or Paddington, there's thousands in the attic without a pension like your mother and me!"
I thought that was terrible. Someone should do something about it. Then one day my boss, Luke, took me around Dudbury. And I discovered that Dudbury was the most boring town in Britain.
I thought it was terrible that children had nothing to do in Dudbury. Especially no cricket. Someone should do something about it.
Then Luke took me to hospital to visit a friend. I saw my friend Florrie, who had got a job there. But I had never seen her so tired - she was being worked off her feet.
I thought it was terrible that nurses were so overworked. Someone should do something about it.
It was the Wise Old Clown (who knows everything) who told me to run for Parliament if I wanted to change things for my parents, and Luke, and Florrie.
I remember asking "Are there any teddy bears in Parliament?" and he said "No, but there are some clowns."
With the help of the other toys in the attic, and Luke and his friends, we set up Britain's newest political party - the Fur Play Party.
The Wise Old Clown ran the campaign as my election agent. The Dolly Sisters sang the campaign song.
With the help of the other toys and many children I took my message to the streets of Dudbury.
I was up against the Preservative Party, the Laboratory Party and the Lintel and Doormat Party. At the end of the campaign we had a big debate, with the then Mayor of Dudbury in charge. He got my name wrong!
I told the people about my parents and Luke and Florrie and said it was unfair and I wanted to get to Parliament to do something about it. People seemed to like what I said.
Election Day was a Thursday - don't ask me why. The schools in Dudbury were shut down and used as polling stations for people to vote. Most of the children used the day off to work for me!
Bear H (Fur Play) 12,078 (26.6 per cent)
Aardvark O (Preservative) 11,111 (24.5 per cent)
Abacus S (Laboratory) 11,111 (24.5 per cent)
Acula, Dr B (Lintel & Doormat) 11,111 (24.5 per cent)
Fur play majority 967 (8.7 per cent)
Fur Play Gain from Lab: swing 4.2 per cent from Lab to Fur Play
Turnout: 64.9 per cent
It was a tremendous thrill to join all the other MPs and listen to the Queen's Speech - although I thought it went on a bit. Prince Philip seemed to think so too.
Now that I am in Parliament I will be working non-stop on the three issues I campaigned about:
- Fair Play for retired teddy bears (and pensioners generally)
- Fair Play for children (especially cricket)
- Fair Play for hospital staff
I'm proud to say that I have already made a difference. Dudbury is no longer Britain's dullest town - and that's official. (You would not want to know where Britain's dullest town is now.)